A mini guide to finding a seat in the Delhi metro

The thing with the Delhi metro is that finding any space at all to place your butt on is the biggest pain in that very butt during your whole journey.

Being a self-proclaimed metro expert(4 hours every single day for 4 years. Now eat shit), I’ve made enough observations and generalizations to understand the workings of this magical mode of transport which keeps one of the most crowded cities of the world going.

To begin with, place yourself in on of these categories:

Male/Female

Young/Old/Can’t decide

Now, adopt a strategy suitable for your position in the social hierarchy of the metro based on those listed below:

  1. Male+Young: Never mind. Somebody’s gonna claim the seat at the next station anyway.
  2. Male+Old: For a seated female, you’re never old enough for the seat. So go stand in front of a seated male(preferably one seated on the ‘Old and Physically Challenged’ seat). You’d either get that seat or witness an argument about how it was insensitive of the seated person to not offer you one(which is pretty entertaining too tbh).
  3. Male+Can’t Decide Age: Look for a target and claim their seat saying you’re too old to stand. Baffled person might give you their seat purely out of surprise.
  4. Female+Young: Stand somewhere with a few visibly single,young guys in sight. For some reason giving someone a seat in the metro counts as giving them the D so you’re never gonna have a problem.
  5. Female+Old: You’re probably reading this post while seated comfortably in the metro itself.
  6. Female+Can’t Decide Age: Everyone knows you’re a bitch and that you’re gonna steal everyone’s seat and push people around and pretty much wreck havoc around yourself in the metro. So go ahead, be a bitch, 40-something aunty. You fucking fuck.
  7. Kid: Just don’t sit on the floor okay?

Thank me later. And don’t you dare ask for my seat.

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